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There's something you guys should know... you're not the only ones reading my blog. It's true. You see, my blog doesn't only cater to non-fictional, real human beings; it is also quite popular with fictional characters. That's right! I talk to them. They are my friends. Some might call that schizophrenia, but whatever, haters gonna' hate. (I hate that phrase.)
So today, I decided to give my fictional friends some survival tips, so when the time comes and they are involved in a book, they won't die.
1. Trust No One. And I mean NO ONE! Not your parents (that is if they are already present), not your best friend, and definitely not the too-good-to-be-true guy.
2. Don't be a secondary character. Always be the MC. If the author calls you and is all like, "Hey McFictional, I got this new gig for you. You're not going to be the lead character, but your role is really awesome." SAY NO! Your chances of survival decrease by 57% when you are the secondary character. If you don't believe me, check out the statistic at imadethiscrapup.com
3. When a guy says he's dangerous, he freakin' means it! So stay away. Don't play the love hero. Chances are, he won't only be dangerous but creepy, stalkerish, and straight up annoying. Also, if he sparkles, give me a call, and I'll schedule a flight for you ASAP. Don't worry, once you're in the safe zone, I'll take you to Damsels Home for Retirement, where you can spend your days peacefully.
4. Don't get involved in a love triangle, if you are not the MC. Wait, didn't I already tell you don't be the sidekick? I swear you fictional characters never listen to anything I say. Anyway, so you didn't take my advice, and now, like the dumb ass you are, you're going to get involved in a love triangle. I say RUN,RUN,RUN! If your opponent is equally as gorgeous as you are, then there's a very good chance the author might choose to kill one of you, thus making the choice easier for the MC. Not only would you die, but you will pass away heartbroken.
5. Don't get involved in a book written by George R.R. Martin. Not even if he says you'll be the MC. It's a trap! Run for your life!
6. Learn self defense. You'll need it.
7. Also, join the girls/boys scouts. There's a very good chance you'll end up in a forest, so you need the experience. Oh, you say that'll never happen because you live in the city? Others said the same, and they were mistaken...
8. Don't be to be the nice guy.
9. Be the drop-dead gorgeous guy; authors never kill those. (Except if it's George R.R. Martin)
10. Trust no one. I know I already said that, but a)it's super important. And b) I needed to round this list to a neat 10, and I was out of ideas.
Do you have any survival tips for fictional characters? Oh, and since I promised I'd give my human readers a new nickname every week, this week's is.... (drumroll) the love doctor.
That's right. You're da luurrrve doctor. Go bananas.
5. Don't get involved in a book written by George R.R. Martin. Not even if he says you'll be the MC. It's a trap! Run for your life!
6. Learn self defense. You'll need it.
7. Also, join the girls/boys scouts. There's a very good chance you'll end up in a forest, so you need the experience. Oh, you say that'll never happen because you live in the city? Others said the same, and they were mistaken...
8. Don't be to be the nice guy.
9. Be the drop-dead gorgeous guy; authors never kill those. (Except if it's George R.R. Martin)
10. Trust no one. I know I already said that, but a)it's super important. And b) I needed to round this list to a neat 10, and I was out of ideas.
Do you have any survival tips for fictional characters? Oh, and since I promised I'd give my human readers a new nickname every week, this week's is.... (drumroll) the love doctor.
That's right. You're da luurrrve doctor. Go bananas.
Love doctor in da house! Are you running a fever, or are you just HOT?! ;)
Great tips! I especially think the George R.R. Martin warnings are helpful. I haven't even read his books or watched most of the show, but I know that that guy is crazy. And ha. I joined girl scouts but I'm pretty sure it didn't help me learn how to survive life in a forest. The only memory I have of it is when it was Halloween and they passed around these paper bags with stuff inside, and would say it's like an eyeball (grape) or brains (can't remember what item). Disturbing.
Nice to know you're putting my nickname to good use. you earned it, Asti!
George R. R. Martin is nuts! He loves killing off characters, no matter how important they are! Oh, and grapes as eye balls? Yikes! But at least it'll make the fictional characters tougher :P They're gonna need that xD
This list is so funny and spot on!
I think you are high! I am having tears of joy right now, making my day awesome.
Darn it, I know I was right not to read George RR Martin's GoT series. e Those others who enjoyed the series must have been masochists.
Thoughts and Pens
You know what goes hand in hand with survival tips? Survival Kits! Fictional characters grab your Love Triangle Repellent, put on your 'I'm the MC' shirt, and if you ever feel the need to play hero: there's a pill for that.
Awesome post Reem! Incredibly hilarious! Fictional characters would be fools not to listen to you.
Haha, glad you liked it Amy!
LOL! I am not high, but really, really weird. Which is kind of the same thing ;)
And yeah, George R. R. Martin really loved to kill of his characters. Some people even stopped watching his show because of it.
I LOL'd my whole way through this list.
1. This is especially true if taking place in dystoia and/or bad society.
2. Amen to that. More and more authors seem to be killing off major characters these days.
3. Yes, yes and more yes.
4. Ugh, I hate it when love triangles are resolved with death. I feel completely cheated because it's like the author couldn't make his/her MC make a decision already!
5. I am scared to read his books now. O_o
6. And don't wait a billion years to do it.
7. Weeeell, if you say so, I have zero experience in that area myself...
8. *hangs head in shame* Not the type of dude I usually go for.
9. Yeah, that's almost always true.
Great list.
2 & 5....if MC is in a George R R Martin's book, they're screwed. No one is safe.
I do think MCs in books with multiple characters have a greater danger of being killed off.
You're awesome, you know that? :D I so needed that laugh right now!
1. I second that rule (I actually third it (can I do that :?)). Characters are too trusty sometimes and the joke is always on them.
2. McFictional... hahaha! But I agree again. You never know when a secondary character might die...
3. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! HE TELLS HER STRAIGHT UP WHAT KIND OF PIECE OF WORK HE IS, YET SHE STILL THINKS HE'S NOT GOING TO HURT HER AND WHEN HE DOES, THERE COME THE CROCODILE TEARS!!!!!!!!! Bitches be crazy.
4. Uh-oh, that's gotta be like rule number one for main characters! Love-triangles never end well.... at least for one of the three.
5. Yup, no one is safe in a George R. R. Martin book. I still can't believe Drogo is gone :(
6. All kinds. ASAP.
7. Is it just me or did that sound like a threat? :D But forest skills should never be excluded.
8-9. You. Are. SO. Right. I have yet to see an author off someone pretty (unless they're a mean bitch/bastard who was created for that very reason).
10. Again, I fourth it. :D
Now, on a side note, are you sure those are only innocent advises? You don't happen to be planning on making your own Gladiator game, are you? Because that would be so. damn. cool.
Really ;D
And the luuuuuuuuuuurve doctor nickname suits me. I've got so much love to giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive :D I should write a song.
Oh my god, this cracked me up SO much! I agree with all of this, especially #3. I mean, what's up with all the female MCs running after guys who are plainly dangerous and would most likely get you into all kinds of trouble - and worst, drama?! It's annoying, and I find it so degrading for women. Why can't it be the other way round? As for #2, I think the rate of survival decreases much more than that, hah. Probably 65 - 70%, because authors these says are CRUEL. Or very dramatic. And LOL. Love those George R. R. Martin refrences. I haven't read/watched GoT yet, but from the amount I've heard about this series, I know he's one big meanie when it comes to characters.
Ooh, ooh, I have another survival tip! Don't try to save the day! Well, it's good that you're trying o be heroic and all, but seriously. If you get killed trying to play hero, a lot of good that'd do to the world.
LOVED this post, Reem! Now enjoy a slow clap from me. *slow clap* LOL, I don't even know what I'm doing.
Man, someone should start making those survival kits ASAP! They'll be a big hit with my fictional reader, I tell ya! :p
I know right? That's what I always tell them :P
Thanks for stopping by Jessylyn! :)
Yeah, exactly! Almost always, a dear friend or so is actually the villain in disguise (surprise!) :P
And if you ever attempt to be a fictional character, you need to have some forest skills! :P It's crucial I tell ya!
Love triangles resolved by death make me ANGRY! It's like such a cheap plot device, you know?! It ruins the book for me!
Glad you liked this Becca ;)
George R,R, Martin knows no limits, I agree! I don't think anyone will be left of at the end of the series :P
/and yeah, if a book has a lot of characters, chances someone dying becomes very high!
Thanks for stopping by! :)
LOL! Your comment CRACKED ME UP!
1.I trust no one, and hey.. I'M STILL ALIVE!
2. I figured Mcsteamy was too mainstream ;)
3. OMG THIS IS WHAT CRACKED ME UP!:P Bitchezz be crazaaay :P (I agree)
Oh and George R.R. Martin? He is craazy! I wouldn't trust him with my pet!
and I'd never threaten my fictional readers *wink*
Actually, it's kind of hypocritical of me to write to write survival tips for characters when I'm always killing them... Am I George R.R. Martin-crazy?!
Yaay! I'm so glad you like this! I might have written #3 with a certain book in mind *wink*, but yeah, I hate it when a girl keeps pinning over a guy even though he mentions he's dangerous and what not. I mean, maybe he's just making up an excuse to dump you.. you never know :P
Oooh, you mean the statistic at imadethiscrapup is not true? Hmm, I didn't see that one coming! :P And yeah, you must have heard about George R, R, Martin's craziness :P
I totally agree with your survival tip! The heroes always end up dead!
HAHAHAH oh boy Reem this post is hilarious! I've never read a GoT book but honestly I'm scared to, I probably wouldn't want to get attached to any character in case GRRM killed them off!
Yeah, there are a ton of hilarious jokes on how he kills off his characters! He's brutal, I'll tell ya that.
Glad you like this, Charlotte! Thanks for stopping by ;)
So basically I should be a paranoid, drop dead gorgeous main character equipped with kick-ass fighting skills and combat experience as well as one or two also gorgeous guys at my heels in a book that is NOT written by George R.R. Martin? (Did I Forget something?) Sounds C.O.O.L.
"if he sparkles, give me a call, and I'll schedule a flight for you ASAP." LOL. This post is 57% full of LOLs :D
*standing ovation* you pretty much summed it up! See? It's not hard. If only they would LISTEN!!
And yeah, I'm totally trying to help them out from impending doom and angsty romance :P
I finally find you! I remember seeing you at my blog The Tracery of Ink and I was going to check out your site but I couldn't find a link on your Google+ page.
Putting that aside, great post. I haven't read A Song of Ice and Fire books, but even I know he's a ruthless killer of characters. That's why I laughed a little at this comic where he's laughing to himself about killing off someone, and he dies before publishing his book.
And I laughed at your tips. I agree with staying away from sparkling people. They might turn out to be water aliens.
Hahaha, I laughed all the way through, especially at the 5th point. You are so right, Martin is not kind to his MC's :( Perhaps another advice: insta-love doesn't exist! You might find this girl/dude very attractive, but you aren't in love with them right away.
You're right! I should put a link to my blog on google +, I didn't know there wasn't one there!Thanks for the heads up.
Oh, yeah! I saw that comic. He is brutal! :P A few days at comic con he smashed the guitar of a band that was mocking him :P But it was staged, ofcourse. And neil gaiman was w/ him :)
I totally agree on the insta love thing. It makes you impulsive and you might risk your life for someone you don't know :D
Thanks for stopping by, Mel! ;)
Oh my gosh, I LOVE this! Very creative post :) No one is safe in Martin's books, so that is indeed good advice. I hate the "stay away from me, I'll hurt you" type of love interests nowadays, so I especially love no. 3.
Thanks for commenting on my blog, and I have followed you back via BlogLovin'!
Alise @ Readers in Wonderland
#5 and #7 are my favorite! I was laughing so loud while reading your post! I love it.
Glad you liked this, Alise :D And yeah, #3 especially frustrates me because the girl knows he is bad news anyway.
Oh, and thanks for the follow back :)
Ha! Glad you liked it, Kay. GRRM is brutal :)
Bahahahaha, I'm sure your fictional readers would be very pleased with themselves right about now. They should learn all the stuff from the nicknamer, serious! You be the guru. =D
Amazing post, Reem! <3
HAha! I'm the nicknamer now? That's actually a good title. Maybe I'll be a professional nicknamer one day :P
Glad you liked this, though <3
Okay...so I actually tried to go to imadethiscrapup.com #epicfail
Love the list!
Love this! I haven't read anything by George R.R. Martin but you've got me very curious :D
Hahaha! That's a shocker for me too ;)
I didn't read his books, but watched his show. He's.. brutal :D