There's something you guys should know... you're not the only ones reading my blog. It's true. You see, my blog doesn't only cater to non-fictional, real human beings; it is also quite popular with fictional characters. That's right! I talk to them. They are my friends. Some might call that schizophrenia, but whatever, haters gonna' hate. (I hate that phrase.)
So today, I decided to give my fictional friends some survival tips, so when the time comes and they are involved in a book, they won't die.
1. Trust No One. And I mean NO ONE! Not your parents (that is if they are already present), not your best friend, and definitely not the too-good-to-be-true guy.
2. Don't be a secondary character. Always be the MC. If the author calls you and is all like, "Hey McFictional, I got this new gig for you. You're not going to be the lead character, but your role is really awesome." SAY NO! Your chances of survival decrease by 57% when you are the secondary character. If you don't believe me, check out the statistic at imadethiscrapup.com
3. When a guy says he's dangerous, he freakin' means it! So stay away. Don't play the love hero. Chances are, he won't only be dangerous but creepy, stalkerish, and straight up annoying. Also, if he sparkles, give me a call, and I'll schedule a flight for you ASAP. Don't worry, once you're in the safe zone, I'll take you to Damsels Home for Retirement, where you can spend your days peacefully.
5. Don't get involved in a book written by George R.R. Martin. Not even if he says you'll be the MC. It's a trap! Run for your life!
6. Learn self defense. You'll need it.
7. Also, join the girls/boys scouts. There's a very good chance you'll end up in a forest, so you need the experience. Oh, you say that'll never happen because you live in the city? Others said the same, and they were mistaken...
8. Don't be to be the nice guy.
9. Be the drop-dead gorgeous guy; authors never kill those. (Except if it's George R.R. Martin)
10. Trust no one. I know I already said that, but a)it's super important. And b) I needed to round this list to a neat 10, and I was out of ideas.
Do you have any survival tips for fictional characters? Oh, and since I promised I'd give my human readers a new nickname every week, this week's is.... (drumroll) the love doctor.
That's right. You're da luurrrve doctor. Go bananas.